The First Question I Asked My Therapist

The Healing Power of Being Heard

I remember the first time I sat across from my therapist. I had filled out an enormous packet of paperwork about my history, my childhood traumas, my family of origin, my current symptoms, and what I hoped to get out of therapy. To be honest, I had no idea what therapy entailed, how it worked, or even if it worked. But I was desperate for change and had exhausted my own knowledge, coping skills, and resources.

Sitting there, I remember stating incredulously: "So I just tell you all the worst things that have happened to me, and somehow that makes it better?" She kindly acknowledged that talking about what happened was part of it, but there was more. Then she gently educated me on what therapy was and what it wasn’t. She guided me toward options of places we may want to start, and we decided to focus on anxiety—the symptom most disrupting my daily life.

Now, years later, with a Master's degree in Clinical Psychology and training to become a licensed therapist myself, I understand more clearly why talk therapy "works" to help heal old wounds and resolve current symptoms stemming from those old wounds and traumas.

Not to sound too cliché, but it all starts in childhood—and yes, it has something to do with your mom, dad, or whoever your main caregivers were. From before birth, even in the womb, we undergo massive developmental changes until about 26 years old. During this vital time, it’s been discovered that we need a few important things to become secure, healthy adults. Here are a few examples of how childhood experiences play a pivotal role in shaping a successful adult life.

We need to be free, explore, succeed, and fail as kids and adolescents.

Psychologist Erik Erikson (1950) emphasized the importance of fostering autonomy and exploration. Children who are encouraged to develop independence gain confidence and critical problem-solving skills, which are essential in adulthood.

We need to be accepted and loved for exactly who we are.

Carl Rogers (1957), a humanistic psychologist, highlighted the value of unconditional positive regard. Children who feel accepted and loved for who they are develop strong self-worth and healthy self-esteem, laying the foundation for future success.

We need connection and attentive responses.

John Bowlby (1969) and Mary Ainsworth (1978) developed attachment theory, which underscores the significance of secure attachment. Consistent, responsive caregiving fosters trust and emotional security, essential for forming healthy relationships and emotional regulation as adults.

We need to connect emotionally, feeling loved and accepted.

More recently, Dr. Gabor Maté (2003) highlights how early childhood experiences shape mental health. He emphasizes the need for emotional connection, unconditional love, and acceptance from caregivers to build self-esteem and emotional regulation. When these needs go unmet, Maté explains, it can lead to lifelong struggles like addiction and chronic illness.

I also really appreciate the 5 A’s of supportive parenting, as described by David Richo: Attention, Appreciation, Affection, Acceptance, and Allowing. Attention involves parents being fully engaged, listening to their child’s feelings and needs without judgment, and ensuring the child feels heard and understood. Appreciation means valuing the child for who they are, not just their accomplishments, and supporting their uniqueness. Affection includes physical expressions of love like hugs and kind words, making the child feel secure and cherished. Acceptance is about embracing the child’s identity and emotions without shame, fostering a sense of belonging. Allowing is giving children the freedom to explore, think independently, and develop their own values, while still providing guidance and support for their growth.

As I took a personal inventory of my childhood experiences, I noticed that there were many missing pieces. I noticed that I sought out these missing pieces in other places, from other people (some healthy choices, some not so healthy).

If your parents or caregivers weren’t able to provide these essential elements during your childhood, adolescence, or young adulthood, you, too, may have found support elsewhere—from a coach, spiritual leader, family friend, or relative who met some of these needs. Humans are remarkably resourceful and will seek out what they need when possible. However, if you didn’t find the support you needed, you likely adapted in ways that helped you cope with the absence. This is where symptoms often appear in our clients. Some of those adaptations may have worked temporarily but became maladaptive or harmful over time.

When we enter therapy, it’s often because our old ways of coping are no longer effective, and we need new tools and insights. The good news is that even if you didn’t receive everything you needed as a child (since our parents, after all, are imperfect too, shaped by their own childhood experiences), therapy can help fill in those gaps. In the therapy room, you can experience what was missing: attention, appreciation, affection (within ethical boundaries), acceptance, and allowance, or the freedom to be yourself. This secure attachment and unconditional positive regard offer a space where you can be loved and accepted just as you are.

So, I suppose the answer to the question I asked my therapist at that first appointment is a resounding ‘yes.’ Speaking with a therapist who truly listens, understands, supports, and provides guidance does make a difference. Why? Because that child within you has been yearning for exactly that kind of connection, attention, love, and understanding for your entire life.